tis a season for resolutions

you can't not finish the year without making some impossible, some not so resolutions for next year. before i get to mine, this year has been a ding dong year for me. by ding dong it literally means up and down depending on the maker's book of destiny. sure everyone has ups and downs; my year started with a total downhill ride which caught me unprepared and gasping for air in what seemed like the darkest pits of human waste. that's what was surprising, not that i was caught unprepared but there is no better learning curve than to be thrown in without a life preserver. it's been so fucking long that i learned to depend on my own again, it felt strange and awkward to be alone again. the wave of emotions hitting me like a brick - the ugly truth, depression, loneliness. questions, questions, questions; fuck if i knew the answer there wouldn't be questions. it's time maybe that i stopped asking questions and just be contented with no answer. sometimes there's just no answer.

i never really knew the strength of my will until it was tested, sure i could have given up and gone back empty handed after all i'm sure everyone would understand. but anyone that knows me, am sure that it's not my characteristic to give up and go back tail between my legs. the will to resist smoking was nothing compared to this. i had lost the very foundation that i depend on, the rock of my life and quite possibly my soul. when you keep telling yourself to move on but you discover that you're stuck in a landfill, moving on does jack shit. time heals all, yeah but the what happens when you're waiting in between healing time? so you're asking how did i do it? thinking about the MA helped a lot. if you're not thinking of stupid things then you're thinking about your problem. sure the alcohol and narcotics will help ease the pain but it only lasts for a fragment of time, and after the pain comes back twice as hard. time and time again you ask yourself how did you manage to fuck this one up? if life is not full of fuck ups then you've not lived life. there is no sure way to forget but admitting you're wrong and fucked up is the first step to recovery.

i've always thought rationally about life, and i've told my fair share of lies; maybe that's why i've never been able to see past truth and lie. lies hurt more than the truth, blinding you from the truth and making you complacent. so now that the year's ending and the truth is, most of us will reassure ourselves by lying, laying down resolutions and false promises for the new year; "this is my last fag" whilst clutching every whiff of the marlboro burning tip is hardly going to be you last fag. promises are made to be broken just like rules. so i'm going to tell you my resolutions, you tell me if i'm lying.

1) i'm going to work my ass off so that i will never worry that what might or might not have happened in aotearoa.
2) i will learn to love again. i'd save lots on kleenex and lotion
3) i'm taking down my wall or i'm going to build a door. it's just much easier.
4) i will talk to you even if you're lying to me
5) i want everyone to be happy.

or i could be lying?

:: happy new year and may all your lies be revealed as truth ::

On your own today
Lost with no direction
They took your dreams away
And stripped you of protection
But there's a light that won't burn out
When your heart is screaming out

It doesn't matter where you are
There is life behind the walls around you
It doesn't matter where you start
Won't belong, won't belong
Until the walls around you are gone
- Jon Toogood (shihad/pacifier)